Can’t Go Around It, Gotta Go Through It

I could give you a big song and dance about how busy I've been or how I haven't totally surrendered to the new Points Plus plan (both true), but the bottom line is -- I just haven't felt like dieting. I know that's like, the taboo thing to say when you're trying to lose weight -- GASP! -- you don't feel like it? But, fat people don't have the luxury of not feeling like it! Fat people are supposed to be on a perpetual diet and if they're not on a diet, they need to be talking about being on a diet.

Frankly, I was over it.

I was totally sick of false promises to myself and most of all, feeling obligated to make posts on this site about how I'm trying or I'm going to get back on the wagon or whatever the usual excuses are that we dieters give ourselves every day.  I was so done. You don't want to hear that drivel and frankly, neither do I. It's not inspiring, it's just bullshit.

I didn't gain any weight over the holidays -- just hovered in the same spot. Luckily. Making healthy choices has been ingrained in me, so it's hard to just stop that -- and I didn't want to. I just didn't want to make my whole existence about what I ate or about my fat.  For once. So I ate what I wanted, I drank what I wanted. and basically, I just stopped thinking about it.  I enjoyed some of that, some of it made me feel bad -- like eating bad things does.  And that was fun for a while, but now... well, I'm over that, too.

I so didn't want to be one of Those People who start the New Year with all these resolutions about losing weight.  Every year, I'm one of them -- I re-join Weight Watchers or I start some new vitamin or I recommit to the gym, then stop going after a few weeks. I wanted to start in December just so I wouldn't be one of The People. It's so trite, it's so cliche, etc. Blah, blah...

Then I got over it.

Fat People Are, Well, Fat.

The internet is all abuzz with the "size-ist", "horrific", "appalling", "shocking", "disgusting" article on Marie Claire from writer Maura Kelly.  I saw all these tweets about how she was basically the devil incarnate and oh my god, how dare she call fat people (GASP!) fat?!  So, naturally, I had to go find out what everyone was up in arms about.

For those of you who may not have seen the article, it's here. She was discussing the gross-out factor of some show on CBS called "Mike & Molly", the (apparently) unfunny sitcom about two fat people who meet at Overeaters Anonymous and fall in love. To me, it sounds unfunny on premise, not because they're fat.

So, I read her article and my first instinct was to hop on the bandwagon and vilify her like all the other fat girls and friends of fat girls had done. Yes, her comments were pretty size-ist and insensitive. But, was I offended?  Eh... not really. There is truth in her comments, as shocking and callous as they may have been. I have to give her props for at least speaking her mind and saying what she really thought, what so many people truly think and would never actually say. From her article:

My initial response was: Hmm, being overweight is one thing — those people are downright obese! And while I think our country's obsession with physical perfection is unhealthy, I also think it's at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting obesity!

No one who is as fat as Mike and Molly can be healthy. And obesity is costing our country far more in terms of all the related health problems we are paying for, by way of our insurance, than any other health problem, even cancer.

I'm going to be honest here: I agree with her in this aspect.  Do I think she's hiding her disdain behind the warm n' fuzzy shield of "I care about your health and the health of our nation"?  Sure. But that's only to round out the sharp edges of the truth. We are fat, as a nation.  We are getting fatter and, as one commenter said on her post yesterday (I'm paraphrasing), "most of the country is overweight so you shouldn't alienate your audience" (or words to that effect).  Uh, just because we're getting fatter doesn't mean it's acceptable. This is something we can actually fix!  I don't think the show is "implicitly promoting obesity", though. I think it's an opportunity to make fun of fat people under the guise of "target marketing".

I don't, however, agree with some of her other comments:

Living Now vs Waiting to Live

ooo...we're so quiet around here lately!!!  Well, I turn 45 this week, and I've been thinking (which is never a good thing, really)--but, as your elder, I've decided to impart some wisdom to the internet at large.  My thoughts.  Let me show you them.

How many of us waste YEARS on the idea that "When I lose this weight, I'll do X" or "I'll buy myself this as a reward!"?  Years, people.  Years.  I wasted years of my life on the belief that I wasn't allowed to have rewards or I couldn't wear sexy clothes because I was fat, and Fat Girls don't get to have nice things.
 
 I say, "Bullshit" to that idea of reasoning.

Food School!

I was telling an online friend the story of my own journey this year with Weight Watchers, and he mentioned to me that meetings weren’t really “his thing”.  I think a lot of people feel that way, and I’ve been trying to think of a way to articulate how completely important those first few months of weekly meetings were to me.  Another girl (Hayden, wherever you are—thank you!) and said the meetings were like “Food School.”  And, it just makes perfect sense to me now.  Because that’s what it was for me.  Attending weekly meetings with Weight Watchers was how I re-learned how to eat.  WW forever changed my relationship with food.

T-T-T-T-T-T-Trigger, Of Course

So there I was, sitting in front of the toaster thinking, "This really isn't a good idea. You know this is just a vehicle for melted butter. Nothing good comes of melted butter. Stop. Don't Do It. No. Wait. You'll regret this." but still I went about the business of flipping the toast over and toasting the other end. See, it's that good sourdough bread -- the kind that's a round loaf with the slightly elongated slices that never quite fit in your toaster -- that is my trigger.

I didn't know this about myself -- I always thought I could have anything I wanted in moderation. I thought trigger foods were for sissies -- anyone can handle anything they put their mind to. But, I was totally wrong. As I stood there, having my 3rd piece of hot, melty-buttered toast for the day, I realized I had a problem. I was skipping alternate, more nutritious forms of food, skipping meals, rationalizing that skipping those other meals freed up more calories for hot, melty toast.  I would find myself simultaneously doing delusional calorie math and berating myself for eating one of the most basic foods: toast.

This sounds utterly ridiculous, doesn't it? It's freaking toast.  But the bottom line is, I can't keep sourdough bread in this house. Deli thins? Bagel thins even? Sure -- those don't cause me to lose my mind. I can have handmade full-fat tortillas in my fridge and never touch them. Bags of chips, crackers, cookies... most any bready item -- totally fine. But it's clear to me now -- not sourdough bread.

It's rather embarrassing, kind of. But it's reality -- I guess many people who have issues with food also have trigger items. I know for Wendy, it's pork. Girl loves her some pork. (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing that -- she posted it in the comments one day.)  But I bet she could walk away from my melty buttered toast without issue.  It's just strange how triggers work. What is it about that one thing that can send us into a delusional tizzy?  It's not like I sit there and eat the whole loaf in one shot, toasting piece after piece until I burst.  That, I think, would be fairly sad.  It sneaks up on me... but probably isn't any less sad, come to think of it.

I don't normally buy this kind of bread. I always buy "diet bread", so I don't know what compelled me, but recently, I really wanted toast. I kept craving it -- I wanted toast.  So I bought a loaf and made some toast. No big deal. Then I made more toast and more toast... it was 24 hour toast, live nude toast, all toast, all the time. Within a few days, the loaf was gone. I had toast for breakfast, toast for lunch, maybe two pieces for dinner -- and I'd skip everything else.  That's, uh... not healthy, so I just have to come to terms with the fact that I can't have it in the house.

I know that Weight Watchers teaches you everything in moderation and you don't have to deprive yourself of anything to be on their plan -- but this isn't about Weight Watchers. I can do that with 99.9% of foods, just not sourdough bread.   Are there foods that even if you count the Points and log them, you know you probably shouldn't go there or you might derail? Is there anything you feel you shouldn't have?

The S-Word

I've been thinking a lot about sabotage lately.  We had a really lengthy discussion in a Weight Watchers meeting regarding the way our loved ones sabotage our efforts to live a healthier lifestyle, and it was really shocking to me to hear the way some spouses/partners/etc (actually--MANY spouses, not just 'a few') were reacting negatively to their significant other's weight loss.  The general consensus is that it comes from insecurity and fear and, of course, the loving/nurturing way to deal is to be firm, but stand your ground.  Less politically correct, of course, would be leaving a flaming McDonald's bag of poo on your mother's doorstep or slipping a laxative into your husband's brownies, I suppose. 
 

Weighs to Go

I'm curious about weigh-ins.  I do the Weight Watchers Online thing -- I tried the meetings, but just couldn't get into it -- so I don't weigh "in public".  I hated getting on a scale in front of another human -- like going to the doctor's office.  It says something about my neuroses that I am worried more about the disappointment of the group leader or doctor than I am about the actual number on the scale. Virtual strangers' impressions of my efforts was too much of a focal point for me, so I bailed on meetings and went back to doing it how I was successful the first time: online.  I was never a big "joiner" anyway.

Plus, with WW online, I could weigh-in first thing the morning, naked, empty and minus accessories.  I disliked the meeting weigh-ins because the meetings were always close to mealtimes and despite trying to wear my very most lightweight  clothes and shoes, the number always more than what my home scale said. It was discouraging, to say the least.  (For those who love their meetings and leaders and weigh-ins, I'm not knocking your experience, just commenting on my own. It's not my brand.)

But back to the naked weigh-ins -- do our clothes and shoes really make that much of a difference? I suppose if you're counting every fraction of a pound (and let's face it, most of us are) it matters. I know I've done every trick in the book to get the scale to read as light as possible. But if I think about it, that seems ridiculous. Who am I fooling?  I am trying to take a fresh approach and not get too discouraged when the scale fluctuates a half to one pound. As long as I'm going in the right direction most of the time, I'm trying to take victory from that.  

The Thing You’re Not Supposed to Say

I realize it's been a little quiet around here. I've been working really hard to get some projects finished before leaving for BlogHer '10 in NYC tomorrow. 

I've been looking forward to BlogHer, but admittedly, have been feeling not my most presentable, physically. I had these great plans at the beginning of the year, like every person with a several (dozen) pounds to lose, "I'm going to lose 50 lbs and get in shape by BlogHer! Maybe I'll lose 100 lbs! I'm going to go and be smokin' hot at BlogHer!"  You are free to envision little sparkles in my eyes and hands clasped in Who-ville type euphoria.

I think we can all guess how that panned out.  I'm a mere 17 lbs down.  So, let me break it to you gently:  I'm still fat.  In fact, I'm not just curvy, I'm fat. And I'm not happy about it.  I mean, I'm not sitting at my desk, waving a bag of Fritos in the air, declaring myself fat n' proud -- I'm not that kind of girl.  I'm not flogging myself with licorice ropes, either, but I'm disappointed that I didn't meet my goals.  I'm annoyed with myself that I'm going to strut my proverbial "shit" at a conference full of women not looking my optimum. It's disappointing.  Does this mean I'm not going to strut said aforementioned "shit"?  Well, no... that's still going to happen. Because I am that kind of girl.

Let's not kid ourselves, while BlogHer is a great community, women can be judgmental. They may not voice it (though often do), but may be thinking it.  And all it takes is for one to speculate whether or not someone thinks they're fat to send some women into a self-doubting tizzy.  I'm not suggesting the women who attend BlogHer are catty -- definitely not. I've met several of them, I am good friends with a couple employees -- so this is not BlogHer specific, it's woman-specific.  You get women in a crowd and something happens.  High school happens.

So, while I'm definitely not happy about the current state of my weight, I can't do much about it now, can I?  I don't have a genie in a bottle or a fairy godmother to magically whittle 50 lbs off me before my 12:05 flight tomorrow.  All I can do is accept myself the way I am right now, warts n' all (a colloquialism I've just decided is really pretty gross).  I am who I am -- a good person, funny, kind, occasionally caustic, but generally approachable and easy to befriend. I'm outgoing, bright, talented and maybe a little particular about my vodka. There is so much more to me than some extra weight. And its not like I have an udder growing from my forehead -- weight can be fixed... just not in time for this event.

I've decided that I'm going to enjoy myself, contrary to my imperfections. I'm going to meet new people and old friends. And if there are those who wish to gossip about how I'm so much fatter than they thought? Well, they're right. I'm much fatter than I thought, too. But at least I'm not the jerk judging someone about it.

If you're attending BlogHer, I look forward to meeting you there -- hope you'll say hi.  :)  See you in NYC!

You Have Just Ousted Yourself as the Mayor of You

To say I've not been diligent in my fitness endeavors over the last week or so is an understatement. I've walked only a few days, I've not gone to the gym in an aeon and I can't remember the last time I put on my Fitbit.  This is not good.

I've been insanely busy with work. Crazy. Insane. Crazy. I somehow became overbooked and am burning the candle at both ends to get my schedule somewhat caught up before I leave to go to NYC for BlogHer in 10 days.  So, like I always do, I put everything that has anything to do with caring for myself on the backburner -- no gym, no cooking, no walking, no sleep.  I have made some efforts to see friends this past week and catch a movie, though a couple are still due for some Joelle-time. Unfortunately, Joelle doesn't get much Joelle-time right now, so it's hard to make room for everything. I could do with a day of absolutely nothing.  And maybe a massage. And a martini.

I'm looking forward to BlogHer being over. Not because I don't want to go -- I totally do -- and can't wait to see Kathy, I just know that there will be further indulgences, which I will try to reel in.  I hope that when I return I'll be ready to re-focus my energies in a healthier, more self-caring direction.

Strangely, I've still been losing weight ... not much, but some. I think because I don't have time to think about food very much. I remember to eat when I can and I've been drinking a crazy amount of Pellegrino (or Archer Farms Sparkling Mineral Water), which I'm sure has helped, though not the most well-rounded, nutritious way to do it.

I want to start going to Pilgrimage of the Heart yoga studio. I've been shopping for a studio and like the look of this one. I have a friend who loves it.  It's clean and bright, peaceful and zen without being overly new-agey.  The gym is fine for cardio, but yoga in a glass room surrounded by hardbodies and meatheads doesn't really appeal to me.  I'd rather be surrounded by accepting, cool people of all shapes, ages and sizes who are all there to get in touch with themselves and provide support to others in the same practice.  But, I don't want to sign up for the 2 week new student package until after I return from my trip so I don't waste the 5 days I'm gone.   I'm hoping a nuturing practice like this will help me remember that I matter; that in order to work at my best, I need to take care of myself.  No one wants creative work done by someone so pooped they couldn't color a Denny's placemat.

Have you strayed a little? Gone totally off track? Put everyone else's needs before your own... again?

I firmly believe everyone needs to check in with themselves from time to time, even when I don't always practice that belief.  Too bad there's no Foursquare location for that.  "Yourself: 358 Meters --  Sorry, you are too far from this location, you receive no points for this check-in."  If I could earn badges for checking in with myself, I totally would. We should all at least be the Mayor of Ourselves, don't you think?

How I Cut Back on Soda and Kicked Aspartame

I was asked in my last post how I knew I was sensitive to aspartame, so I thought I'd share a little bit about how I cut it out of my life (I'd say 99% of the time, anyway) and how, in turn, I majorly cut back on my soda consumption.

For several years, I've gotten headaches. Not migraines, but what I suspect were cluster headaches -- searing, blinding, out-of-nowhere headaches and caused me to go blind in my right eye sometimes and almost always clutch my head in pain and whimper for reprieve.  It was as though someone was shoving an ice pick behind my right eye; like a voodoo doll.  I would become debilitated momentarily... doubled over, even.  It would last for anywhere from 30 seconds to 15 minutes and eventually subside as quickly as it had come.

This had happened for well over a decade, come to think of it.  I never knew what triggered them and I never told my doctor about them -- when they weren't happening, I put them out of my mind.  But in the last handful of years, they'd gotten much, much worse. Where I used to have one or two a month, I was having them several times a week, sometimes even more than one in a day.  I never wanted to say, "I get migraines" because everyone says that when they aren't really migraines. I figured it was just stress, but I think part of me didn't want to tell my doctor because I was afraid of what it could be.  Did I have tumor?  Was I going to drop dead of an aneurism? I just wanted it to be stress.

Then I read a tweet from Erin Vey where she said that when she quit aspartame (I think primarily through diet soda and the like), mysterious leg pains she'd suffered with for years went away.  I also sometimes get antsy legs, like so many people with sedentary jobs these days, though not any real pain.  I knew that could be fixed by me hauling my ass of the couch and going for a walk, but it started me thinking... what if my mystery headaches were because of the dozens of diet sodas I consumed every month.  And I do mean dozens.  Dozens.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I've been struggling for a while to lose the same 10 lbs.  Not that I only have 10 lbs to lose -- there's way more, but that I'm trying really hard to lose at all and can only seem to get down 10lbs or so before it creeps back on is starting to make me a little crazy.  This has been going on for about a year now.  I'm not sure if it's self-sabotage that I don't recognize, stress, lack of sleep, a health issue or all of the above.  The weight has been much harder to lose this time, seven years later, and even when I've cut out aspartame and white foods, drink water, cut back significantly on sugar and sodium, and go to the gym regularly, I can't seem to keep things moving in the direction I want.

I lost 2 lbs this week. Normally, I would be satisfied with that (though I think shows like The Biggest Loser have made a healthy rate of weight loss seem like a failure for us regular people with lives).  But it's the same 2 lbs I gained last week and lost the week before that. I really try hard, measuring, gym-going, walking, eschewing... only to lose 1lb and gain 2. Or lose half and gain one. Or lose 2 and gain 4. One step forward, two steps back. (Insert Paula Abdul here.)

Granted, I did dine out a lot this weekend -- and not always at the most shining examples of lite fare, but I ate reasonable portions, made healthy choices and tallied every morsel. I also got more steps in than I have in a while; my Fitbit is really helping me stay aware.  I mentioned in my last post that watching calories has been kind of a relief because Points-counting was starting to become a bit mundane for me (it ebbs and flows -- if you're a long-term WW, you'll know what I mean).  Focusing on something else is making it easier to manage and sparking new interest, which is good.