Pssst! Over Here!

Yeah, so. We meet again. And again. And then one more time. And hey, look! Again.

Of course, I'm assuming anyone is still reading this. I've seen lots of unfollows on Twitter, which is expected when I never update. Can't blame 'em!   But, I'm not ready to give up this blog.  I'm going to scale back my original plans for it, though.  Initially, I'd seen this site as this awesome resource, similar to how it was when we launched and were so popular in 2003.  But I have precious little time and frankly, I don't feel like jockeying with the many fitness and weight loss magazine type blogs out there these days.  They're all great and they work hard to deliver that good content. I don't really feel like blogging stuff you can read on 3 other blogs or in this month's Self. They've got it covered and they're doing a fine job at it.

Plus, I don't know... I think initially, I'd felt like I needed to be some kind of motivator or something because when I first started this site I'd recently lost 100 lbs on Weight Watchers (of which I've gained back a little over half).  So many people told me I had been such an inspiration to them and I didn't want to let them down, so I got all wrapped up in being a resource, providing "content" that I started to do the exact opposite, froze up and pressured myself into being an ostrich when it came to posting here -- and when it came to losing weight in general. I seriously had to get over myself.

2011 was a year of faux commitment in terms of dieting. I wanted to care, but I just didn't.  Last January, I started Weight Watchers again in earnest -- and I lost about 22 lbs. Then I started to stray... it must be Weight Watchers, right? It wasn't working anymore!  I felt restricted!  I needed freedom!  So I quit Weight Watcher and started tracking with Lose It!, which is basically just straight-up calorie counting.

But that wasn't sticking either. What it boils down to is that I just haven't been all-in.  I haven't wanted to track my points.  I haven't wanted to report that extra slice of pizza.  I didn't want to have to log anything or tell anyone or ask permission or tweet it or track it.  I was being plain stubborn.

And it shows on my ass.

Something has to give because I feel like hell.  It's not as much about "looking hot" anymore (though that's always a bonus), I want to feel hot.  I'm going to be 40 in twenty-two months -- just under two years. I do not want to feel like this at 40.  I look at myself sometimes and have no idea who that person is.  And as arrogant as this might seem, I look at myself as if I were someone else and think, "Dude, you're way too fabulous for this rubbish."

And you know? I totally am. I'm not getting any younger, do I really want to waste more of my youth being a frump? I'd like to wear a pair of jeans from the Gap again before I'm pushing daisies, thanks.

I rejoined Weight Watchers today.  I started a new account, thinking that maybe not having my previous graphs and expectations waving me in the face might be good. (More smoke and mirrors!) I don't want to be reminded of how I screwed it all up, I just want to move forward. 

I like Lose It still and am hoping to track in there, as well, mostly because I'm curious how the points vs. calories add up.  I just think the structure of Weight Watchers is what I need now, despite my resistance to it.  Plus, I know a few other folks who have inspired me recently with their Weight Watchers successes, so I'm willing to give it another go. It does work, it worked before -- I just gave up before I was finished, if I'm being honest.

So, anyway, I hope to blog more here.  I am cooking more and want to share the recipes that I try. I won't be able to post more than one or two a week because there are only two of us and most recipes have leftovers, but it gives me something to blog about.

In the meantime, I'm going to just let this blog become what it wants to be.  That goes double for me.