Swamp Thing

That title sounds a lot more ominous than I intended, but I'm too enamored by the falling snow outside to think of anything snappier.  I'm also sort of streaming consciousness over my first cup of coffee, so forgive me if this gets a bit unweildy.

It's my first official day back on the proverbial wagon.  And naturally, I forgot to weigh-in this morning, so I'll have to do that tomorrow and backlog it on Weight Watchers. I also forgot to work out this morning, so uh... I'll need to either double up tomorrow or tackle it later in the day.  I'm off to an awesome start (not), but where previously I might have just thrown in the towel with a big "EFF IT!" and claimed I'd "start again tomorrow" because I've already "messed up" -- I'm not doing that.

I'm still smiling. I'm not going to be hard on myself about this. I'm just going to keep smiling, file it under "oops, oh well!" and keep moving forward.  If I boil it down, I find that most of my time is spent berating myself for reasonable human mistakes, as though berating myself is going to make it better, or be productive in any fashion.  Really, if i'm being honest, beating myself up about what I put in my mouth or whether or not I remembered to do an exercise DVD is really just a way to make myself feel better, to console myself. It's the old "Well, I tried, I failed, but at least I have the good sense to feel bad about it." and that, in turn, is an excuse to give up and "start again tomorrow".  But most of the time, tomorrow yields the same result.

No more. I'm not sure who decided that I deserved to treat myself this way -- but I've spent 37 years doing it and I really am not sure why. I'm an awesome person!  I'm funny, smart, charming (if I do say so myself), kind, generous in both material and spirit. I'm talented, I'm strong like whoa, and while I have faults (some doozies!) -- so does everyone else. I am the only one in my own way -- and that's not a beratement, it's simply a fact. I would never allow someone else to treat me the way I treat myself -- so that bollocks has got to stop.

When I've put this in practice in the past, I've met success, but then inevitably, I fail at something -- like humans do -- and then my old habits reach up from the depths and grab my self-esteem like something out of Swamp Thing, dragging it down into the bowels of self-deprecation and shame where I'm comfortable, where it's safe.  If I beat myself up, then it shows I care. It shows I'm aware that I'm a mess. And it also puts out the vibe that it's ok to treat me the same way... and when the occasion arises I act surprised, but deep down, I can comfort myself -- because of course they rejected me, dismissed me, overlooked me, mocked me -- because I'm imperfect.  Second verse, same as the first.

I don't know if you follow Sizzle Says, but she wrote a great post this morning about something similar and her new year "intent". I've been following her progress for a while and she's not only an awesome woman, she's putting into practice all the things I wish for myself -- balance, yoga, letting go. She's trying to anyway, which is all any of us can really do. I encourage you to check her out.

My resolution for this year is not to lose weight, though not for lack of efforts or determination to do just that. My resolution is not to fit into a size 10 jeans, though fitting into any jeans would be totally tits right about now and I intend to work on it.  My resolution is not to be a bastien of health and to write incredible posts about how healthy we all should be, though I will share my recipes, tips and experiences along the way.

My resolution of 2011 is to embrace my imperfections. To surender the idea that I have to be all and everything to everyone in order to be worthy. To not throw out the baby with the bathwater whenever I mess up. To turn failures into lessons. To breathe and let go.

This is no small resolution. But I think it's at the core of a lot of things and I'm hoping work in this area will reflect in both my weight loss and in my happiness. I'm also hoping with the help of yoga and meditation, I can relieve myself of the Swamp Thing... or at least, kick it's ass a little.

You know, in a totally Zen way.