The Thing You’re Not Supposed to Say
I realize it's been a little quiet around here. I've been working really hard to get some projects finished before leaving for BlogHer '10 in NYC tomorrow.
I've been looking forward to BlogHer, but admittedly, have been feeling not my most presentable, physically. I had these great plans at the beginning of the year, like every person with a several (dozen) pounds to lose, "I'm going to lose 50 lbs and get in shape by BlogHer! Maybe I'll lose 100 lbs! I'm going to go and be smokin' hot at BlogHer!" You are free to envision little sparkles in my eyes and hands clasped in Who-ville type euphoria.
I think we can all guess how that panned out. I'm a mere 17 lbs down. So, let me break it to you gently: I'm still fat. In fact, I'm not just curvy, I'm fat. And I'm not happy about it. I mean, I'm not sitting at my desk, waving a bag of Fritos in the air, declaring myself fat n' proud -- I'm not that kind of girl. I'm not flogging myself with licorice ropes, either, but I'm disappointed that I didn't meet my goals. I'm annoyed with myself that I'm going to strut my proverbial "shit" at a conference full of women not looking my optimum. It's disappointing. Does this mean I'm not going to strut said aforementioned "shit"? Well, no... that's still going to happen. Because I am that kind of girl.
Let's not kid ourselves, while BlogHer is a great community, women can be judgmental. They may not voice it (though often do), but may be thinking it. And all it takes is for one to speculate whether or not someone thinks they're fat to send some women into a self-doubting tizzy. I'm not suggesting the women who attend BlogHer are catty -- definitely not. I've met several of them, I am good friends with a couple employees -- so this is not BlogHer specific, it's woman-specific. You get women in a crowd and something happens. High school happens.
So, while I'm definitely not happy about the current state of my weight, I can't do much about it now, can I? I don't have a genie in a bottle or a fairy godmother to magically whittle 50 lbs off me before my 12:05 flight tomorrow. All I can do is accept myself the way I am right now, warts n' all (a colloquialism I've just decided is really pretty gross). I am who I am -- a good person, funny, kind, occasionally caustic, but generally approachable and easy to befriend. I'm outgoing, bright, talented and maybe a little particular about my vodka. There is so much more to me than some extra weight. And its not like I have an udder growing from my forehead -- weight can be fixed... just not in time for this event.
I've decided that I'm going to enjoy myself, contrary to my imperfections. I'm going to meet new people and old friends. And if there are those who wish to gossip about how I'm so much fatter than they thought? Well, they're right. I'm much fatter than I thought, too. But at least I'm not the jerk judging someone about it.
If you're attending BlogHer, I look forward to meeting you there -- hope you'll say hi. :) See you in NYC!
They Said Stuff!
Well, THIS woman thinks you’re gorgeous, hilarious, smart and talented regardless of the number on the scale.
I’ve thought you fabulous ever since I saw a picture of you in a ‘Rock Paper Scissors Champion’ t-shirt. Go knock ‘em dead in NYC.
I have wished for that magically fairy godmother a time or two :)
You are going to have such a great time! I can’t wait to hear all about it!
Aw, thanks. I didn’t post this to garner compliments, though I do appreciate them. I needed to relieve the pressure I was feeling. It let’s me stop worrying about it. lol The cat’s out of the bag, so to speak, so now I can enjoy myself. :)
oooo…you’re going to be fabulous and have a wonderful time, I know it. Catty is everywhere we go, I think—and pfft to them. PFFT, I SAY. I think everyone is going to be so worried about themselves, no one will notice that no one is actually looking. We’re all harsher on ourselves than anyone else could be. <3
Love this! I do the same thing every time I need to go somewhere and I know the feeling well!. Being a beauty blogger, when I go to events, I always am self conscious about my appearance because these girls are so pretty and well dressed and I just feel like I don’t fit in. I need to stop thinking that way and be more confident… like you! I hope you enjoy BlogHer, hoping they’ll come to Seattle one day. :)
You know I skipped my husbands family reunion for that exact same reason. My kids are 6 and 3 and I have just never lost the weight I gained while I was pregnant with them. It’s like you said though…we are who we are and there’s way more to us than just that. So that said…if that’s your picture I’m seeing you are stunning. Go have fun and be fabulous and don’t worry about what other people are thinking. They’re not worth worrying over. : )
Have fun…you are darling, regardless of what the scale says. I’m not one to talk, though. I called Jenny Craig and canceled my 9:30 appt. this morning. I just can’t deal with the weight gain right now.
Women are catty regardless of whether you’re thin, not thin, tall, short, etc. I lost a bunch of weight when my youngest son was one. Feeling fantastic while at a work event, I overheard one of the girls talking about my weight loss to another, only to have the other reply “She’ll gain it back. She always does.” Needless to say, I hit the bakery on the way home. My son is now six and I have, for the first time ever, achieved my Goal Weight and Lifetime status at WW! STILL, I’m about to get my monthly gift, so my upper frontal region is, shall we say, puffy(?) right now. I also indulged, to many learing eyes, in a blueberry scone for breakfast yesterday. As I highly anticipated, I overheard one of the “ladies” at work comment this morning that I must be “slacking off.” Really? Luckily, I’ve finally realized that they can all kiss my lower rear region. It’s nice and firm from all the exercise I do now. hee hee hee
Have a FANTASTIC time at BlogHer! You’re gorgeous inside AND out!!!
i did the EXACT same thing before i went to visit my old host family in december of 2008. i was about to cancel the trip because i was just so ashamed of my weight gain and didn’t want them to see me this way. i then decided to write them an email instead explaining that i’d been thinking about cancelling with some made-up reason. of course they said i was being stupid, they didn’t care and we ended up having a GREAT time there but it felt good to kinda give them a “heads up” instead of facing the (what i thought would be) shocked faces when they saw me. so i completely understand ;) oh and i’m sure you had a great time at blogHer. will go read all about it next…
Do You Have Something to Declare?