Unsolicited, and Thereby Asshole, Things People Have Said Regarding My Weight

Last week, I was lying the tub, crafting this post in my head.  I vowed to write it the next day, then of course got distracted and forgot. But a tweet I read today reminded me.

I've had a relatively decent life. I've never been terribly oppressed or faced tumultuous living conditions. I was never beaten or living in a cardboard box.  I've never been addicted to hard drugs or found my solace in the bottom of a bottle. (Ok, sometimes. I LIKE RED WINE, OK?!)  I've had a few instances of snide comments or looks, having dated women and people of other ethnicities, but overall, not much.  While I won't say my life was 100% peachy keen, I sported a superficially garden-variety, upper middle class, white suburban upbringing. I also have breasts and am not unattractive, so it's not like it's been a hardknocked life.

Before you start deciding I'm an egomaniac (which isn't it sad that I feel the need to justify a simple, modest statement about my aesthetics?), I've never been what folks would call fugly. As a child I was chubby and had a big gap in my teeth, but when I got my braces off, grew 5 inches and entered high school, the boys were like, always in my yard, much to the chagrin of my father. Plus, my parents weren't too shabby and they made me and so, according to the rules of genetics and the standards of modern society, I don't have a face like a foot.  My point is, things have been cushy compared to a lot of people in this world, so I'm not here to pretend like I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of open hatred or discrimination. (Though, I think it's all relative.)

I say this, not to marginalize my hardships (because there have been some) or to downplay the scars on my psyche (there are some of those, too), but to nip in the bud the inevitable asshole who will say "Boo hoo, poor you." or whatever.  You know, whatever it is they want to say to make themselves feel better about being an asshole.

So, without further ado, I bring you: "Some Unsolicited, and Thereby Asshole, Things People Have Said Regarding My Weight"

"Wow, she can really sing. If only we could put her voice on that little blonde trim..."
I'm not kidding. The guy actually said trim.  He might as well have called her a furburger. I was standing behind him and his "talent scout" buddy at the bar and of course, they didn't realize I was there. Not that it would have mattered to them. I shoved in between them and ordered a drink, determined to embarrass them when really, it was I who was embarrassed. My bravado was embarrassing, too.

"Look at you!  A few more pounds to go, Chubbette."
This from my proud father, after I'd lost 50 lbs and was grandly descending the staircase in my pretty new size 9, eigth-grade commencement dress.

"You know what you are? You're a Joe... WHALE!  Get it? Joe-Whale!  Joe-Whale! Joe-Whale! Joe-Whale!"
Fourth grade was a real bitch.

"I had a dream you lost like 300 lbs and were super hot."
Really? I lost 300lbs in your dream? So, I not only lost enough weight to cease to exist, but any unsightly surplus me was absorbed back into the earth's atmosphere much like a home solar panel contributes to the grid? And then I was super hot? You flatter me.

"I'd like to fuck 50 pounds off ya."
Charming. I'm sure you'd like to wish a couple more inches onto your penis, but that's likely not going to happen either.  Thanks for playing.

"If you ever lose weight, I can't hang out with you anymore."
That was a record-scratch moment if there ever was one. I thought, "Did she really just say that?" But lo, she did, indeed. Apparently, that friend felt the only thing she had on me was that she had the body of an 11 year old boy.  Oh, I'm sorry, did I really just say that?

"WOW, THAT LADY IS FAT!"
Ok, so the kid was like four, but his mom didn't reprimand him, so he'll likely grow up to be an asshole anyway. It counts.

(Also, that one particularly stung because the childlike wonder and awe in his voice made me sound like something he should be feeding peanuts to and not like, size 16-18.)

"I just... like... I like you. Seriously, the sex is like... totally,. And I think you're so, sooo pretty. But uh... I think I just can't date a big girl. What would I tell my friends?"
Tell them you're an assbag. Have you met your friends? You deserve each other.

The Classic, the Ever-Popular, the Ubiquitous "You have such a pretty face."
Thank you. That's always my response.  I used to exercise excessive modesty and say "no, no...", but now I just say "Thank you" and smile.  Because the second you show that you doubt that statement, "if only you'd lose a little weight" slips in. It's insidious -- you think for like, a second, it's going to be a genuine compliment, but 98% of the time, the complimenter is really just biding their time or biting their tongue over what they really want to say which is, "You have good genes and therefore a moral obligation to not be otherwise aesthetically displeasing in my company."

To the people who have told me in the past that I exaggerate or that I've made situations like this up, to those who have said, "That can't possibly happen, people are not that cruel. You're just trying to get attention." I assure you -- attracting attention is the last thing I'm trying to do in those circumstances.  It does happen, you just choose to ignore it or, perhaps, participate.

And to the offenders, some whose faces and names I can't recall, but whose words have branded me like so much cattle... I forgive you. I forgive you for your ignorance, I forgive you for your lack of taste, I forgive you for your arrogance and your verbal diarrhea.  I forgive your clear lack of decorum.  I forgive you for your classless, tacky upbringing that somehow made it ok for you to say things like that.  I forgive you.

And also, go fuck yourself.